Mistletoe Mishaps
by Shi-Toyu
Summary: Tony and the Bucky get caught under the mistletoe...It doesn't go quite as one might expect.


Mistletoe Mishaps

"it's christmas time and imagine tony and bucky getting caught under the mistletoe."

The glass of the window shattered beneath Tony's un-armored back and he cursed loudly as he landed on the floor amongst the glass. Several of the broken shards sliced through his suit jacket and bit into his skin and the fake snow clung to him like cat hair to black fabric. This was the last time he was ever meeting up with Steve for a drink and not bringing the suitcase suit along with him. Seriously, this was ridiculous. What kind of national icon uses 'let's grab a beer and catch up' as code for 'let's try and corner my best friend who I thought was dead but actually got brainwashed and turned into a master assassin and I've been trying to hunt down for the past eight months'? It was just plain rude.

Tony groaned as he rolled over, being as careful as he could to avoid any more glass-related injuries as he leveed himself to his feet. Three HYDRA agents with what looked like plasma-powered weaponry jumped through the window and stalked toward him between the displays of Christmas knickknacks, glass crunching under their boots. Tony glared at their masked faces.

"Look, I know you guys are an evil organization with global reach and decades of psychotic leadership behind you but could you possibly bring down the epic levels of douchebaggery just a little bit? I mean, seriously. How long have you guys been keeping tabs on Barnes knowing he would lead you to Steve?"

"On your knees," the middle HYDRA agent ordered, gesturing with his gun and rudely ignoring Tony's question.

Tony glowered. Didn't these guys have any idea who they were dealing with?

"Um, yeah, how about no? I might not have my suit but that doesn't mean I can't kick your asses."

The agents appeared unaffected by his threats, the two on either side spreading out to circle him.

"On your knees. You will not be warned again."

Tony raised his arms up behind his head slowly, making a show of his compliance. The moment he started to bend his knees, though, he launched himself at the agent in the middle. The plasma rifle skittered across the floor as Tony knocked it out of the agent's hands and struck him across his face. The plastic of the agent's mask bit into his knuckles, cutting them until they bleed. At least the agent stumbled backwards from the blow.

The other two agents closed in, one firing off a shot that Tony was barely able to dodge. He dropped to the floor, cursing as more glass cut into his skin. While he was down, the swung his legs out to bring one of the agents down with him. Then he was up and scrambling for the plasma rifle that had already been liberated from its owner. His fingers just barely grazed the metal of it when something rock solid hit him and threw him to the side. One of the agents had tackled him.

They grappled, Tony winding up on the bottom more often that he would have liked. He knew how to fight, dammit, but he was no Clint or Natasha. For all that these agents were the bottom of the totem pole, they were still highly trained and had him out-numbered. A blow to the side of his head from the butt of a rifle sent him reeling, the room swimming in and out of focus as he crumpled to the side. The agent he'd been wrestling with cursed loudly and climbed to his feet, shoving the agent who had struck Tony in the chest.

"Are you an idiot? If he gets brain damage he'll be completely useless to us. Do you want to be the one to tell Baron Strucker about how you cost him such a valuable asset?"

Tony groaned and tried to push himself up, only for one of the agents to kick him harshly in the ribs.

"He's fine. Just hurry up and tie him. We need to get him to the van. Have the others been secured?"

The third agent pulled Tony's hands behind his back and bound them together.

"Captain America and Falcon are still engaged. The team tasked to the Winter Soldier hasn't responded." Tony's head spun as they hauled him to his feet and his fought down the urge to hurl all over the floor. Shit. He probably had a concussion. "We have completed our assignment. We need to return to base."

Tony was hauled across the shop's tiled floor by an agent at each elbow. They'd gone barely a few feet before the agent in front turned back as if to say something and the back of his skull exploded. The two remaining agents barely had time to curse and drop Tony like a sack of potatoes before Barnes was on them, snapping the neck of one agent with his metal arm before diving after the lone survivor. Tony told himself that it was entirely, 100% the concussion talking that made the swiftly-enacted violence so damn hot.

Barnes and the final agent disappeared behind a display of dancing Santa figurines as Tony attempted to struggle into a more upright position. He'd barely made it to one knee when the sounds of fighting came to an abrupt halt and Barnes came stalking back into sight. His wild eyes glared daggers at Tony as he marched over, seizing the front of Tony's shirt and hauling him up.

"Oh, God, please don't kill me. I'm really not your enemy, Barnes, and I'm pretty sure if you kill me Steve is gonna get that kicked puppy look on his face and none of us want to see that. Come on, man, it's practically Christmas. This would be, like, the shittiest possible time to kill me. Except maybe my birthday."

Barnes stared at him for a long moment, then, "Stark, Anthony Edward. Classification E, highly dangerous, highly valuable resource if recruitable."

Tony shuddered, gaze fixed on the assassin even as the rest of the room remained unsteady.

"Okay, as much as I'm now questioning the wisdom of my libido and the good judgement of my kinks, does that mean you're not gonna kill me? You're not still brainwashed, are you? HYDRA-"

Barnes swung Tony around to slam his back into yet another display of Christmas paraphernalia. Cheaply made balls of fake mistletoe swung wildly overhead as Barnes leaned in close.

"HYDRA will burn," he growled dangerously, causing Tony to have to concentrate on willing away his truly ill-timed erection. "You will assist the asset."

Tony stared at him for a beat.

"Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Whatever you need. I got some other friends who'd be really interested in helping, too. Maybe you know them. Sam and Steve? Ring any bells?"

The hands in Tony's shirt tightened and he heard the sound of ripping fabric. _Oh, God, don't think about him ripping off your clothes don't think about him ripping off your clothes don't think about him ripping off your clothes_

"Unknowns cannot be trusted. You will assist the asset."

"Totally not unknowns! Well, okay, the Wilson guy is kind of an unknown. Today was technically the first time I met him but Steve is completely known. By me. And you, kinda, but I'm not so sure that counts anymore. Can you let me down now? Because my libido is trying to turn this into a situation it totally isn't and I'd really not like to die because I ended up kissing you."

Barnes's brow furrowed.

"Why? The mission does not necessitate physical intimacy for cover."

Tony's jaw dropped, his mind reeling from the horrible, awful implications of that one statement before he was able to shut the thought down. That was information he could give Steve later but now was not the time to be concentrating on it.

"No, no, just, we're under the mistletoe so it's kinda tradition and you're totally rocking the homeless, scruffy look which, let me just tell you, I have never found so ridiculously attractive before. Usually the exact opposite. How in the _Hell_ are you pulling it off? Wait, no, nevermind. That's not the point. The point is, ignore me. Just on principle. Anything that comes out of my mouth should be wholly disregarded. Really."

Barnes made a gruff sort of noise before appearing to take Tony's advice. He adjusted his grip on the genius and started hauling him out of the store, stepping over the bodies of the dead HYDRA agents without even giving them a glance. Tony stumbled after him, the assassin's grip the only thing keeping him on his feet. God, his head hurt. And his back. And his shoulders from being restrained for so long. And his everything.

"Wait, where are we going?"

"HYDRA will send more. We must leave the area."

"Wait, no. I can't leave. Do you have any idea what it will look like if you take me? This is kidnapping! You can't do this!"

Barnes glared over his shoulder.

"You will assist the asset."

Tony groaned. Great, he was never going to hear the end of this one. How did he even get himself into these situations? And more importantly, how was he going to get himself out of it?


End file.
